Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Air Brooks 

Dear "Cap'n,"

Your recent NY Times column hilariously parodies our nation's current partisan divide via the allegory of "liberal" and "right-wing" commercial airlines--but you failed to mention a third carrier, "Air Brooks."

The passenger on Air Brooks is led to his seat by a charming, friendly stewardess and buckled in for the ride. The pilot, in his pre-flight address, greets the travelers in a manner which gains their trust by establishing himself as a competent, seasoned, world-savvy, adventurous but safety-minded man. He throws in a few gags about the airline food and the all-too-familiar airport security hassles as a way of loosening up the passengers and making them comfortable for the ride.

But as soon as the plane takes off, the pilot comes bursting out of the cockpit, pulls off his man-mask, and reveals himself to be Satan, announcing that he is going to carry all the passengers off to hell. Meanwhile the stewardess returns with a steaming meal-cart, from which she scoops an enormous pile of reeking shit onto each customer's tray. The video consoles show a re-run of a popular sit-com while mechanical robots forcibly assist the passengers in cleaning their plates.

When the plane has reached the midpoint of its flight path, Jesus Christ comes running out into the aisle. Cackling hysterically and visibly intoxicated, he performs a parody of his own crucifixion, utilizing an oxygen mask, a fire-extinguisher, and an in-flight magazine. He then kicks open the emergency hatch and dives out of the plane, trailed by a team of heretical rabbi-parachutists praising him as the Mosiach.

The pilot (Satan) then announces the beginning of the descent, and the passengers are encouraged to look for a special treat inside their vomit-sacks; the treat turns out to be a burning spike, which the passengers are invited to drive through their own eye.

As the plane, rocked by a self-igniting explosive device, plummets toward an "exurb" in Idaho, the local temperature and weather forecast is reported over the P.A. As the plane (designated the Eagle of the Future) crashes into Utopia, the residents there wave flags and hail the arrival of the American Kingdom.

I thought you might want to add "Air Brooks" to your parodic column, since some of your readers might think it is funny.




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