Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Deciding It's Time to Win 

My son's gonna blow up some terrorists when he's old enough to be drafted!

Dear Shit-sucker,

The point of your latest hell-ticket is that "we in the Washington political class" should not have been mucking about with--oh, with politics--these past few weeks, since haven't ya heard, there's a war on? Of course, everyone is familiar by now with your laughably dishonest use of the "we" (i.e., including yourself in the political class you chastise, in an apparently playful act of smirking self-flagellation). "Salad-course solons"! Ha! "Klieg Light Kierkegaards"! Brooks, you sly dog. "Capital Clios"! Only a red-blooded Everyman like yourself would have the decency to poke fun at "your" own profession, right?

So what has the "political class" been "kibitzing" about lately in its "decadent triviality pit"? Oh, you know: the president and his entire cabinet LYING about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, LYING about the buildup to the Iraq war, CRIMINALLY MISUSING funds appropriated for the eminently more important (for our national security) war in Afghanistan, and possibly PERJURING themselves before the 9/11 commission.

Don't look, people--nothing going on over there.
Meanwhile out in the world, the American people have decided they at least are going to be serious. While we capital Clios are lost in the quagmires of ostentatious parlor game parallelism (Is Iraq Vietnam or the intifada? Is 2004 1920 all over again?), many Americans have decided that it's time to persevere and win.
So, Brooks--while "out there, in the world, the American people" have been "deciding" "that it's time to persevere and win" (apparently by trusting Jesus and President Bush, rather than splashing around in the decadent frou-frou of actual news information)--what have you been writing about? Let's take a look:

April 24, 2004
"The Columbine Killers," about how Eric Harris was a would-be "Nietzschean Superman" suffering from "way too much self-esteem," who fantasized about flying planes into Manhattan, just like the Islamic terrorists who really did.

April 20, 2004
"Clearing the Air," about how Democrat obstructionists are interfering with President Bush's not-really-that-bad-when-you-think-about-it environmental record.

April 10, 2004
"Take a Deep Breath," in which you excoriate the "Chicken Littles" ranting on and on about the uprising in Iraq, and advise everybody to just "calm down a bit."

April 6, 2004
"Fly the Partisan Skies," a light satirical piece casting the two political parties as competing commercial airlines.

March 30, 2004
"Stressed For Success?," about how today's youth shouldn't get so worked up about the phony college admissions process, since President Bush as proven that intellectual merit and educational striving aren't important to "success."

March 27, 2004
"See Dick Spin," about how Richard Clarke is a lying pederast.

March 23, 2004
"One Nation, Enriched by Biblical Wisdom," about how racist, godless liberals must acknowledge that the civil rights movement was actually a conservative juggernaut paving the glorious way for Reagan and God.

March 16, 2004
"Al Qaeda's Wish List," about how the Spaniards are appeasers, and how pro-Kerry Americans ought to vote Bush if Bush's homeland security policy fails to prevent another major U.S. attack.

February 10, 2004
"Bush on Bush, Take 2," about your telepathic empathies with Bush's sense of his divine mission to bring freedom to the world, which he can't articulate himself because he can't speak, even though he was educated at Yale.

So, thanks for your work, Brooks. But alas, it must come to an end. You, like the American people, have finally decided that you "at least are going to be serious." I assume that, in renouncing your role as a member of the chattering classes, you will show some clear resolve, immediately resign from The New York Times and turn all of your energies to persevering and winning.

Eat your own shit and "win,"



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