Saturday, December 04, 2004

Coach Johnson Breaks His Silence 

My latest at http://www.recallmontgomeryschoolboard.com

[Note: Coach Johnson is an open-source character. If anyone else wants to post as Coach Johnson, please feel free. His email address is: BigJohnson@goteam.us.]

Coach Johnson writes:

Coach Johnson here. I've got a little problem and I thought the good folks on this site might be able to help me out.

For years now I have been trying to put together a homosexual team. You know how we got basketball team, baseball team, wrestling team, etc? Well, I thought, You know, we ought to have a homosexual team. Compete in all the big gay events. Earn a little bit of queer glory for the old high school.

Let me tell you folks: it's one heck of a job trying to recruit these kids. They just don't want to join. Not only do none of the gay kids want to join my team, but none of 'em will even admit to being gay! Ain't that crazy? It's like their embarrassed or something. Like there's some kind of social taboo against plain old-fashioned American high-school faggotry. Who ever heard a such a thing?

Well, I thought to myself, Coach Johnson, I said Coach Johnson, maybe the problem is your technique. Maybe you're not approaching the kids the right way. So I thought, maybe these kids don't want to be gay, but how about bisexual? Like a kind of a compromise. I got no problem with bisexuals playing on my homosexual team--just consider 'em two sport athletes, I guess! Ha!

So I started going up to them in the hallways and saying "Hey, Johnny, I know you say you like girls, but you should be tolerant and give bisexuality a try." But the boys just curled up their nose like they smelled somethin' awful, and a few of 'em gave me the finger, and one boy even said "Screw you, you creepy old man!"

So where am I now? The homosexual season is supposed to start this month--we got counties coming up not long after the holiday break--and like I said, I'm just having one heck of a time putting a decent roster together.

If anyone maybe has a brainstorm and comes up with some new ideas for recruitment methods, please drop me an email.

Yours affectionately,

Coach Johnson


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