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Monday, April 04, 2005

Breaking: Princess Reagan's Feeding Tube Removed 

Has anyone heard anything about something happening to the Pope? There have been some rumors on the internets, but--as usual!--I haven't been able to find any coverage in our so-called "mainstream" media. Luckily, Finchy weighs in with the following commentary, which hopefully can shed some light on the situation:
One has to admire the stalwart objectivity of the New York Times, who described John Paul II as a "Church Shepherd and Catalyst for World Change." I had not been aware that "shepherd" was an official position within the Catholic Church, but I am gratified that the Times acknowledged his catalytic nature, which I had always esteemed as one of his finest qualities.  In science, the "catalyst" is that wonderful extra element that sparks a chemical reaction, and in fact our dearly departed Pope was just that when he encouraged African nations to avoid the use of condoms and did his best to contribute to the worldwide spread of AIDS!  And who can forget JP2's shepherding of the Catholic Church in Central and South America in the 1980s, when he systematically destroyed the faith-based class struggle that had been fomenting naturally within the Church in countries such as El Salvador and Nicaragua?  Admittedly this might be seen as a bit of an anti-catalyst move, seeing as the Pope basically squelched a movement that could have led to more rights for the poor in those countries, but we can't forget that sometimes a shepherd has to lead his flock off the cliff to save them from themselves!  And who can forget his profoundly catalytic "apology" for the Church's role in the Holocaust, right on time in 1998?  Of course he didn't mention the Holocaust by NAME, but who's perfect, right?  You've gotta cut a little slack for a man who was, after all, singlehandedly responsible for bringing down Communism!  And don't forget the vestments--they alone warrant the Times' entire section ("John Paul II," p. 39) on this great man who catalyzed so much and changed so little.

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