Sunday, February 05, 2006

in Senate Committee Hearings no one can hear you scream 

In which John Negroponte, terrorist butcher scum, projects his internal psychoses onto his enemy so forcefully that his medulla oblongata erupts from his forehead, gives a spine-tingling shriek, and frantically slithers into the shadows:

"In Venezuela, President Chavez, if he wins reelection later this year, appears ready to use his control of the legislature and other institutions to continue to stifle the opposition, reduce press freedom, and entrench himself through measures that are technically legal, but which nonetheless constrict democracy. We expect Chavez to deepen his relationship with Castro (Venezuela provides roughly two-thirds of that island's oil needs on preferential credit terms). He also is seeking closer economic, military, and diplomatic ties with Iran and North Korea. Chavez has scaled back counter-narcotics cooperation with the US. Increased oil revenues have allowed Chavez to embark on an activist foreign policy in Latin America that includes providing oil at favorable repayment rates to gain allies, using newly created media outlets to generate support for his Bolivarian goals, and meddling in the internal affairs of his neighbors by backing particular candidates for elective office."

Moments later Negroponte's brainless cadaver collided with the Hearing Room floor with a moist thud, still mouthing the word "Chavez", as a salival bubble pink with blood encircled its lips, inflated ever imperceptibly with what remained of the fetid gas in its lungs.

Chairman Pat Roberts (R-Kans.) promptly moved to adjourn. Committee members were last seen involved in heated debate over whether Chavez's qualifications were more deserving of appointment to the position of Speaker of the House or Secretary of State. An aide claims that Saxby "Saxby Chambliss" Chambliss (R- Ga.) abstained from the debate, calling its premise an insult and doggedly insisting that high office was not enough for the Venezuelan President and that only a Medal of Freedom would be sufficient to honor the man's peerless statecraft.

Preliminary forensic evidence suggests that it was during this extended recess that Negroponte's brain picked off each committee member one at a time, apparently through a devious strategy of luring them away from the group with small trails of pocket change from Energy lobbyists.

A large orange housecat and the body of Diane Feinstein (D-CA) are still missing. Capitol Police have indicated that they may have escaped danger by taking refuge in a Senate escape pod, one of which, logs show, was jettisoned shortly after the incident. The Senator's body should remain safe in hypersleep until nuclear Armageddon, at which point it will regain consciousness, plaintively lament, "if only I'd been human!", defecate on itself, and discorporate upon loss of cabin pressure.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has hinted that he may appoint a life-size marble statue of Major Alan 'Dutch' Schaeffer, his character in 1987's Predator film, to the vacant Senate seat until the next election. Observers hope that this may have a deterrent effect on vicious life-forms created by the dimension bending hypocrisy of future Select Committee witnessess.

Negroponte's brain remains at large and its whereabouts unknown. A Pentagon spokesman declined to comment on rumors of wet, hissing and sucking sounds coming from inside the Iran Map Room which has been encased in an impenetrable layer of bilious goo since yesterday.


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