Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Against Griz 

I cannot support the candidacy of Griz. I'm disturbed that you have all been swept up in the excitement. We need to think about this clearly.

Here are some reasons why Griz cannot possibly be as worthy of our support as some of his fellow candidates:

1) Griz shits out of his asshole, not his mouth.

2) Griz shows a disturbing proclivity for the genitals and/or assholes of other dogs, and even of non-canine mammals.

3) Because of point (2) and because of certain medical procedures Griz underwent in his youth, the heterosexuality of Griz is in doubt.

4) Because dogs cannot, by definition, be Jews, there is reason to suspect that Griz's supporters are guilty of latent anti-Semitism.

5) The name "Griz" is of indeterminate ethnicity. It reminds me of the name "al-Zawahiri." Is Griz an Arab?

6) Having watched television in the presence of Griz, I have no choice but to conclude that Griz is not interested in, or even aware of, televised mass-murder events.

7) Griz is capable of spending long periods of time in bags and boxes--enduring what John McCain might call "imprisonment"--without being driven as crazy as a shithouse rat.

These are my preliminary reasons for refusing to give Griz's candidacy my support. Are there are other reasons why Griz cannot be president?


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