Thursday, August 21, 2008

funny how that happens 

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Here I thought Barry had it in the bag. As IOZ characteristically put it so well a couple weeks ago:

Look, I think that The Obama is going to win. The Empire requires a frontman, and the system isn't going to let a cranky, geriatric mouseketeer who's never used the Google and who thinks that we need to station troops on the border between Laos and Paraguay use the remote. They cancelled Matlock, grandpa. No, we don't get TV Guide.

But that was before a 12-year old Chinese girl rode The Michael Phelps into South Ossetia and shoved her trusty uneven bars straight up the ass of the calcifying American Century even as a Jamaican ran around the world at lightspeeds in a futile attempt to make time go backward. Back to those stolid Cold War days when shit made sense. A lifetime ago. The bobblehead consensus is that this is good for McCage and I was just about to go back to truly important things like filling in the more esoteric gaps in my porn collection and unmixing my metaphors when all of a sudden it appeared that the bobbles were affecting the polls:

Barack Obama, the prospective Democratic presidential candidate, has managed to turn a 5-8 point lead over prospective Republican opponent John McCain into a 7-point deficit—a double-digit slide—in just two and a half months following a campaign that had voters really excited over his candidacy.

Dave Lindorff over at CounterPunch has a novel thesis that this may not be the result of world events or the 2D hooker parade, but rather the Donkle's tried and true Election Losing Elixir: running away from the base.

There has clearly been a decision made in the Obama campaign to soft-pedal liberal positions and to make Obama appear “safe” and uncontroversial.

The result has been his precipitous slide in the polls.

Well, now I am in a tizzy cuz it looks like this might just yet be the squeaker we'd hoped for all along. Mercifully, I can go back to reading the news and paying attention to The War On Politics instead of actually doing anything that would make the world one whit better for anyone. Whither shall my vote be cast? And how shall I engage in the One True Political Act™?

Breath bated I quiveringly respire...is the slide permanent? Can Barry O. pull the beshitted bed out of the fire? Lindorff says there is yet hope!

There is probably still time to turn this electoral debacle in the making around. Obama needs to come out unambiguously for a quick end to the war in Iraq. He needs to do an about face on his call for an expansion of the war in Afghanistan. He needs to flatly rule out preemptive war as a policy for the United States of America, unless the country is in danger of imminent attack. He needs to scotch plans for expanding the military, and instead to start talking about how to reduce military spending, so that those funds can be shifted to domestic priorities like improving education and dramatically increasing research into carbon-free energy production. He needs to call for a national healthcare system that will provide quality, affordable medical care for all, and he needs to call for an aggressive campaign to combat joblessness and to reduce income disparity within the US.

So all he needs to do is...is...is...

And I'm all like, "Bwah to the hah to the hah."

Say it with me now so you're ready when you finally hear it. We don't want these flaccid words to end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back of your late-January Seasonal Affective Disorder and puts the bullet in your brain. That would just be...pathetic:

I, John McCain, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States...

I kid.

The tightness of the race is as fake as the candidates themselves. Back to bed, America. Watch for the VP announcement point-jump to put the Unity Pony back on track accompanied by mock astonishment "This man will just not stay down! Is there nothing he can't bounce back from?!" coverage.

In the meantime, can anyone recommend a good bittorrent aggregator that might be able to direct me to Jenna Jameson's pre-enhancement oeuvre?


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