I thought it might be worthwhile to reprise an AmCop headline from a few months ago:

Does Bush qualify as a zombie, in that he literally survives off of corpses of various types?

Answer: yes.


I can't survive without the blood/flesh of the living--or, alternatively, the "blood"/"flesh" of recently deceased soulless robotic entities.

He was an actor, people--a B-movie actor who slathered himself in makeup, went on television, and crooned reassuring nonsense to an infantile populace. And this, apparently, caused everyone to piss themselves silly with happy rage.

And now, once again, the nation is being asked to aggressively sodomize itself in pious worship before the altar of image-based bedazzlement.

I heard Al Franken earlier talking about how he wishes Bush would attend the funerals of some of our slaughtered soldiers instead going to subject himself to Reagan's "state funeral." But why? Who cares? Bush could attend funerals from now till (the evidently all-too-near) Kingdom Come. What difference would it make? A living corpse attending the funerals of dead corpses? Would it make Bush seem "alive" by contrast? Would it prove that after a lifetime of failing to learn what either life or death are/mean, he could somehow improve himself? The only way Bush could improve himself is perhaps by embalming himself, though I doubt even this "treatment" would prove salutary.

I'm leaving. AmCop will be back Friday, in time for the "national day of mourning." Pray for me, readers, because the American countryside will be crawling with zombies.

CNN wants to know what Americans are really thinking about the death of former president Ronald Reagan. So they've designed this "Quickvote" on their website, so that anyone is free to register his/her opinion on this matter:

QUICKVOTE

What will Ronald Reagan be most remembered for?

Triumph of conservatism

Morning in America

End of the Cold War

So come on--which one will it be? Triumph of conservatism, Morning in America, or End of the Cold War? Go ahead and "vote"!

While it goes on to make some good points, the Times' lead editorial begins by flinging out this embarrassingly silly bit of post-digestive nonsense:

Ronald Reagan, who died on Saturday after his long battle with Alzheimer's disease, projected an aura of optimism so radiant that it seemed almost a force of nature.

Let's just set the record straight: while the maggots soon to be consuming Ronald Reagan's buried corpse are indeed "a force of nature," his "aura of optimism" was not.

Update: the wildfire threatening Reagan's former ranch is also "a force of nature."

Well, but seriously, though. What's the point of my writing these slanderous thoughts on a day when so many people are enjoying such wonderful memories of such a wonderful, cheerful, optimistic "man"?

For instance, here's a letter from a corpsophilic reader of CNN.com:

Annie from Raleigh, North Carolina:

President Reagan is my hero in so many respects. He was a good man who was secure in everything that he did because he was guided by his belief in what was right. As teenagers, we looked to him to understand what was true and good. His sense of humor disarmed us, his words embraced us when we tried to understand devastating incidents like the Challenger accident, his strength and convictions gave us courage, his quest for freedom for all peoples helped us understand what it truly means to be an American, and his love of this great nation inspired us.

His "words" "embraced" her when she "tried to understand" the Challenger accident. In other words, Annie from Raleigh, North Carolina, while watching a picture of an explosion on the television, felt vulnerable, sad, confused. Then, a dyed human head slathered in makeup appeared on the screen. Air flowed through an orifice in this head; the lips and tongue shaped the air to create word-noises. These noises "embraced" Annie.

However, here's what another reader has to say:

Lori from New York, New York:

I'm from a lower middle-class family that was negatively affected by the Reagan presidency. I was denied a guaranteed student loan for college, so I had to work two jobs to support myself. My parents had trouble finding work, and many benefits were cut to support military spending. I lost countless friends to AIDS because he refused to address the epidemic or fund low-cost drugs to control it. The 80's were a hard time for most working people.

Lori: a depressing name from a depressing, uncheerful, pessimistic place (New York) talking about uncheerful things like AIDS and drugs. Why does Lori hate America? Why does she have to talk about "hard time[s]" and "working"? (Doesn't she remember the funny, cheerful thing Reagan once said, that "It's true hard work never killed anybody. But I figure, why take the chance?" Isn't that funny? Cheer up, Lori.)

I wish Lori could go down to Raleigh, NC and sit down for a chat with Annie, who could explain to Lori that Reagan "was secure in everything that he did because he was guided by his belief in what was right." Isn't that so much more radiant, optimistic, and cheerful than talking about epidemics, drugs, work, and AIDS?

I say to Lori: If you know someone who has AIDS but isn't able to obtain low-cost drugs, just tell them to love the great nation more, smile radiantly, and focus their heart on what is true and good. (There's no reason to ruin everybody else's good time just because you're trying to endure horrible suffering!)

In our nation of history buffs, a whopping six in ten adults knows that we were fighting against German forces on D-Day.

(Qualification: I guess it's possible that some of those with "No opinion" really knew it was Germany but were just too shy to say so.)

The Gallup Poll. May 21-23, 2004. N= 1,002 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

"As you may know, June 6th is the 60th anniversary of the D-Day invasion during World War II. Do you happen to know what country’s army the U.S. and allied forces were fighting against during the D-Day invasion?"

Germany
63%

Incorrect response
14%

No opinion
23%

From Liberal Oasis:

Last night, Dateline NBC aired an exclusive interview Tom Brokaw had with Dubya, who made this telling remark:

Winning the war on terror requires more than just doing in Al Qaeda…it also means installing governments that don't necessarily look like America…

My corpse is smiling optimistically.

Republicans, Democrats Hail Reagan's Optimism

Right--"optimism."

Had enough of those whining liberal gloom-and-doomers who keep saying you have to share your country with blacks, with queers, with poor people, with feminists, with sick dirty scheming commie pinko degenerate wimps?

Well, here's the Good News: It's morning in America!

That's right, fellow white men. Sick of being stuck in a dead-end blue-collar job? Sick of the shiftless Negro who got promoted over you just because you were white? Sick of your hard-earned money being doled out to welfare queens? Sick of women's libbers, faggots, hippies and immigrants screaming in the streets, burning flags, breeding like demented rabbits, having all the fun, destroying the moral fabric of America?

Well, there's bad news and good news. The bad news is that your miserable existence is only going to get worse--we're going to cut your services and redistribute income to the rich. We're going to guarantee your schools go to shit, your air and water and land get polluted out the ass, your health care disappears, and that all of our friends and cronies continue to get incredibly rich. Basically, you're fucked.

But the good news is: you're white! You are a white man! Jesus Christ has endowed you with an immutably white, pure American soul!

Rejoice--you're not a black!

Rejoice--you're not a queer!

Rejoice--you're not a dirty, handout-seeking immigrant!

Rejoice--because you have the power to allow yourself to be shat on by people as strong and powerful as us!

Rejoice--because even as we're shitting in your mouth, you get to give a big fat white American middle finger to those people even more worthless and less fortunate than you!

Torch the past! Torch history! Poor people don't exist! AIDS doesn't exist! Pollution doesn't exist! No one's getting murdered in your name!

So let's see those smiles, America! Just shut up, look straight ahead, keep watching the TV, wipe your ass on the flag, then wrap that flag around you, place one hand over your heart, salute General Jesus, set yourself on fire, swallow a turd, and be proud of the New Free American Kingdom!

Dawkins writes:

I want to revisit this theory that I suggested last October.

I'm really wondering if it might indeed be Fleischer.

A Leaker Theory

dawkins writes:

Here's a weird thought that just occurred to me while reading the Washington Post article about the investigation into the Plame leakers.

Novak said his source was two senior administration officials. One presumes by now that the White House did the leaking/smearing/intimidating intentionally. One would also assume that, in doing so, they'd be cagey enough not to leave any paper trails through the White House. One might presume that Novak was/is/might have been along for this tricky-leaking mission.

They've already said it's not Rove. They've said it's not Libby.

What about "senior administration officials" who are not Rove and Libby and who would not get caught up in a White House paper sweep, but who are still "senior" and involved enough to have been up on what's going on?

Is there any chance that our dearly departed pals Ari Fleischer or Karen Hughes -- presumably knowledgeable about the Wilson predicament, interested in the affairs of the White House, but not actually on the premises -- could be part of this?