Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Why are these Nazi thugs so obsessed with purple? 

Groundhog Day 

I feel like this tradition is getting a little stale. Doesn't everyone think it's time to update the principles of Groundhog Day for the Bush era? Some brainstorms:

1. Rather than looking to see whether the groundhog has actually seen his shadow or not, just decide which outcome you prefer, and announce that.

2. Bless the groundhog, then bless it again by subjecting it to "the ultimate punishment."

3. Remove groundhog from its burrow in oak stump; check to determine groundhog's values; if groundhog is found to have been recruited into the gay lifestyle, bless, then execute.

4. If weather is foul or crowd is in a bad mood, call the groundhog a faggot, then blow it away with assault rifle.

5. Remove groundhog from stump, declaring that it, like all God's creatures, yearns for freedom. Bless, execute.

Any other ideas?


The Fixin's Bar adds:

6. Sodomize animal. If its mammalian grunts seem to indicate some degree of pleasure, overturn womans right to vote.

7. If groundhog is believed to posses ethnic features, close all libraries.

8. Put hood on groundhog, have ceremonial parade-master Lyndie England lead it around on a leash. Place animal in burlap sack, have children of select cabinet members hit sack with brick.

9. Order the groundhog to "evolve." If he fails to, place any book-owners on a government monitored "sin-list."

10. Dress groundhog in a custom-tailored camoflouge military jump-suit. Hit animal with bat; photograph President attending the groundhog's spotaneous funeral and welling up with tears. Declare "Groundhog Day" is now to be known as "Hero-hog Day"

Harry adds:

11) "Waterboard" the groundhog, then put underwear on its head and force it into a pyramid pile of other groundhogs who have been similarly treated.

12) Cut off its paws, then send a CNN reporter to ask if it appreciates what we've done to liberate it.

From Scats:

13. If groundhog sees shadow, keep in oak stump indefinitely without access to counsel. If groundhog does not see shadow, do same.

14. Develop low-yield "stump-buster" nuclear weapon to smoke groundhog out of its hole.

15. Pull groundhog from hole, proclaim America safer now that groundhog is in custody, invasively medically examine groundhog on national television while loudly deploring groundhog's lack of respect for groundhog dignity.

16. When groundhog fails to see own shadow, proclaim a "mandate" for an early spring. Boast that you've earned meteorological capital and intend to spend it. Suffer eternal winter.

17. Nominate and confirm groundhog to Cabinet post regardless of groundhog's dismal track record and lack of any relevant qualifications. Discuss with knitted brow in Washington social circle for approx. one week. In haze of solipsism promptly forget groundhog is eating roots of your garden. Suffer death.


Saw the Arcade Fire last night at Webster Hall in New York. They are, um, the best. Canada is doing something very musically right, these days.

Hey "conservatives": do you ever wonder why there are so few of you who make music, who make art, who make films, who write novels, who teach in schools, who work in scientific laboratories? Who make things that make other people's lives better rather than worse?

Could it be that it's because people who succumb to the ideology to which you've succumbed are just stupid? I.e., not that smart? Is that why most of you people are employed selling crap--and I mean, in the vast percentage of cases, actual worthless (if not outright dangerous) crap--to people only marginally stupider than yourselves?

Just think about it, next time you listen to a really good record.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Peachy-Sweet Democracy 

This is really awesome! Just heard about it on the Al Franken show. The new Rethug "leadership" in the Georgia House of Representatives has passed a new rule which effectively gives the Speaker power to control and override any vote, on any committee, at any time! All he has to do is appoint special "hawks"--extra committee members who can "swoop down" on any committee and add their special "hawk" votes to the tally.

Nice going, Georgia! You've turned your state assembly into a one-man/one-party dictatorship! Granted, there is no doubt Christ personal approves and has blessed the whole endeavor--nay, commanded it--but still.

Annular Flashback... 

...or, a Peek Into the Dark Asshole that Is Our Recent National History.

Does anyone remember the breath-stopping chicanery the Bush administration was practicing exactly one year ago vis a vis the 9-11 Commission? Can anyone comprehend what a total fucking farce that Commission ended up being?

As I wrote at the time,

Here's a simple formulation: unless the Democrats can bring themselves to draw attention to the fact that there has been a massive 9-11 cover-up, they will lose the election. Whether or not the Bush administration has been covering-up out of nefarious, conspiratorial intent or simply a desire for executive privacy is irrelevant. If the Dems allow the Repugs to successfully distract the country from this massive, blatant, criminal cover-up and actually win on the "issue" of 9-11, then they (the Dems) really don't deserve to govern anything.

Well--there you have it.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Teach your children well 

From USA Today: "U.S. students say press freedoms go too far"
One in three U.S. high school students say the press ought to be more restricted, and even more say the government should approve newspaper stories before readers see them, according to a survey being released today.

The survey of 112,003 students finds that 36% believe newspapers should get "government approval" of stories before publishing; 51% say they should be able to publish freely; 13% have no opinion.

Asked whether the press enjoys "too much freedom," not enough or about the right amount, 32% say "too much," and 37% say it has the right amount. Ten percent say it has too little.

Although a large majority of students surveyed say musicians and others should be allowed to express "unpopular opinions," 74% say people shouldn't be able to burn or deface an American flag as a political statement; 75% mistakenly believe it is illegal.

The U.S. Supreme Court in 1989 ruled that burning or defacing a flag is protected free speech. Congress has debated flag-burning amendments regularly since then; none has passed both the House and Senate.

You don't think by any chance those destined-to-fail constitutional amendments (say, banning gay marriage) might actually be intended to influence public opinion/perception?


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